The Lovely Red Fox: On Entering Society as a Real Human... More or Less

I wrote this yesterday, more for myself than anything, and it really does kind of sum up everything I've been feeling since I graduated. I feel like I'm in this place where some pressure that hasn't revealed itself to me is somehow guiding me to feel like I need to know what's going to happen with my life RIGHT NOW. Like I need to
get a job RIGHT THIS SECOND, otherwise I'm a huge failure to myself and my family, an embarrassment to my peers.

The truth is though, I don't really know what exactly I want or what to look for. I know what kinds of things I like, but it doesn't seem like its a traditional path that's the right one for me. I know very deeply and truly that there is something I want to do very badly, and something I plan to do very well, but I also feel that what I've perceived as the "expected career path" for my schooling may not be what I am supposed to do with my life. It's kind of a tough pill to swallow.

I think to do the things I really want to fill my life with, I may have an unexpected journey ahead of me. I kind of came to the realization this morning/afternoon, that I think I could make for a good photo/prop stylist or interior designer. I would love to be a prop stylist. Why else have I been collecting furniture for the past four plus years, refinishing goodwill finds for no other reason than that I just want to. Making a rug out of shirts from goodwill for a month of my life? Having that uncontrollable urge to redecorate my room every few months, and paint an entire stenciled focal wall in an apartment that I would live in for only a year? And I don't think most people my age ask for a new bedding and pillow set for their 20th birthday just to tie together their ideal bedroom design. Or be so bothered by the flow of the living room of my college apartment that I would literally sit for hours in silence staring at the room, rearranging all the furniture in my mind to find the right solution to the issue.

Or maybe I'm just freaking crazy. I don't know. But it could be the right "answer". So how do I do it? I guess that's the next "question" I'll have to figure out.

On another note, the top picture of me is the new focal wall for my room back in the suburbs, complete with an assortment of my favorite pictures: a painting of a squirrel painted by my grandfather, a line drawing of a jellyfish with hands done on cardboard and framed that I drew a few years ago inspired by an artist on deviantart that I used to semi-stalk in high school, an old coca cola ad torn out of a 1970's issue of TIME magazine that I got from my grandmother, some pictures I've taken in college, and a random postcard I swiped off of a bulletin board in college. I didn't even move the nails from where they were already stuck in the wall, this just kind of happened.